to my wonderful, merciful Saviour

yeah. . . no.

someone must have told him.

and waited. . .

and waited all night for him to get on. and he did. =)
i don’t know what will happen (esp. since i don’t even know if the affection is returned) but i enjoy him so much. =)

i think it’s interesting that the last post’s number is 42. coincidence? perhaps.

now why i’m really here.

i don’t know that i want anything to do with you your God.

people say not to base my decision on the hypocrisy of Christians, but they’re all I have to see.

i can’t see your damn flower. what do you want me to do? where’s my part?

if your God is one who says that it’s okay to hurt someone you claim to love because you think it is in you and your “true love’s” best interest,

if all those people claiming Him can be:

bums

or angry

or bitter

or crude

or stiff

or rude

or finicky

or jealous and possesive

or manipulative

or any other of the million things they are

what’s the point?

i think i know more consistent, nice unsaved people

than i do nice, consistent Christians.

and before you say,

“we’re all human”

i know that.

but you want to talk about change,

then lets.

how can my dad still yell?

my brother still be a jerk?

my mom still try to tell me that she’s tired all the time because it’s her “personality”?

how about that unnamed boy (so as not to make anyone angry) who is jealous

and manipulative

and not so kind

but wants to be a pastor?

yeah.

great.

ah, yes.

Christianity sounds like fun.

and before you cite me “amazing” examples

is that really God?

i can find people who are “humble”

or “loving”

or “passionate”

in any religion

for any purpose.

maybe Christianity really is just a very good attempt at

explaining away the world and that’s all it is.

if I’m seeing all your God can do to people,

He sure is weak.

but if He’s real,

He’s not weak.

He’d be amazing.

and easily spotted.

He’d never withhold faith,

the light with which to see the flower.

maybe i’ll make up my own system.

based on this one,

but better.

maybe i’ll just choose

to believe that God has control over the good stuff

that all this bad stuff is caused by another, evil entity with which He’s warring.

classic, isn’t it?

or maybe i’ll mess with Scientology.

or not.

that one’s dumb.

or maybe I’ll choose to believe that nature is God.

maybe I’ll worship dogs.

they’re loyal if you love them.

or maybe all of this is just an illusion

like the Matrix.

yeah.

i’m dinner for some robot.

sounds great.

now how to get out?

do i just think really hard?

or maybe i’m all there is.

this life’s all just in my mind.

or i’m just in someone else’s mind.

so many ideas.

all claim truth.

oh to be amazing and choose one.

oh, and do you really think that, whether or not i am, i’d answer correctly a question like “are you mad at molly” in front of her? maybe next time we should wait to ask something like that. i’d never say “yes” at the time you chose, even if i were mad. i should have just said “why would i be mad?” better answer. not that i really am. but i have about as much desire to look her in the eye and try to love her as i desire to be murdered while hanging from my toenails. or maybe as much desire to get to know her as laura would have. except that’s not the same. maybe as much desire as mrs. wood would have getting to know any potential mate of mr. wood’s. yeah. that’s a better parallel. and it helps me not compare myself to her anymore than i already do. except i already compare myself to her, so that’s only a little bitty part of it. i don’t what it is.

at least i don’t ignore your presence anymore.

oh wait.

yes i do.

makes it hurt less.

or me feel better.

or both.

oh, back to the previous topic

i don’t fulfill any of the lists

in any of the books

that tell me i’m saved.

i can love selflessly

but a love for God’s word?

hard to find.

always has been.

oh snap. . . what’s that other one?

i don’t remember,

but it didn’t describe me.

and that either sucks

or rocks.

i’m not sure yet.

cause salvation now

would mean telling everyone what i really am.

great.

goody.

or i could just go on living and not tell.

whatever.

i’m going away now.

Like you still read this. . .

Dork.

=P

(that’s the way it used to be)

>/

(that’s the way it is now)

you’re not going to win.

i’ll never think so. or be happy with it.

and you’ll never win it back.

you lost it.

watching you sit and counsel makes me mad.

and you’re so boring!

i miss the vibrant you who didn’t care what others thought.

now your all stuck in the future.

“responsible.”

at least some people.

i think you’re trying too hard.

you can be responsible but not boring.

that’s what you were before.

you laughed at what was funny and had a good time at things.

now you’re all caught up in her and in your future.

(which is boring at the rate you’re going.)

you gave up so many dreams to get to her.

which is foolish.

your supposed to find one who loves your dreams and can’t wait to go on adventures with you.

Greece.

Pastorate.

Inter-Church Shepherding groups.

Classical Education.

Music.

Anything.

Everything.

Dedication.

No Manipulation on her part.

But you let yourself be manipulated.

You do it every time.

You give up too much of yourself to make her happy.

But you–who you really are–is so easy to love.

And it makes makes me so mad that you used what I told you about her to make sure you nailed her. No Really.  How could you? I think you’re a jerk whether you know it or not.

You never really knew me, either, did you?

or rather, you did.

but then you quit trying.

so i was the same to you as i was when i was a junior in highschool.

i never grew up in your eyes.

you eliminated me based on what i once was.

jerk.

you could have at least talked to me about it.

instead, i’m “undisciplined”

and

i don’t seem to want to mentor.

maybe we don’t have to mentor.

ever consider that?

maybe my job is just to be an example and help where it’s needed.

and later on, it’s to be a wife.

and a mentor to my daughters.

and a mother to my sons.

and still be that example.

especially to young women.

teach them about what it’s like to be a Godly woman.

by example.

by teaching positions.

by sharing Scriptures with those who need it.

listening to them.

etc.

but that means you have to believe.

prove to me that He even exists.

go for it.

i don’t think you’ll win.

have fun trying.

there’s a good reason to eliminate me.

your other ones sucked.

we fit.

and you know it.

you never really knew me.

and you can’t figure out why this is so hard.

i loved you.

and you took advantage of me.

of my friendship.

my touch.

my commitment.

my heart.

you got what you wanted and more from me

and then left me to bleed while you moved on to try again.

what makes you think you can handle her heart when you hurt mine so badly?

that’s a joke.

so go away.

you never really cared like you should have.

you just took what you could and pretended.

too much for a big brother.

what brother sits like you did next to me in all those pictures?

jerk.

i am not fond of knowing that i am disqualified, but not knowing why. and i know it would probably hurt me to know why. grr.

i want to get married. and i don’t want to be patient anymore.

but i will. =) because i actually do want to be patient and have the right one find me. now to get to where i’m supposed to be so he’ll actually like me and think i’m pretty.

I am striving for individuality because I know that it irritates people when I am not individual. I can’t discuss Theology on my own, I don’t think on my own, etc. And so now I strive to be individual–to think on my own, love on my own, grow on my own. With God’s help and presence of course. That way, when God says okay, I will find another individual with whom to “dream like one” and “take breath like one.” But until I am individual, that’s not really possible, is it? I could be wrong.

And besides, you said I was 90% not even a possibility, so we don’t need to breathe like one so much. Tell me if that changes. . . please. Or if it’s not true.

i miss you.

I want what i say to be true. It is possible.

and I am glad that what they say is not.